Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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