You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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