One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
