I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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