I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i came on her dog
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
