I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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