he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
