I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
