found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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