There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I want her autograph on my taint
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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