last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
don't judge my taste in strippers
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
