Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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