After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
