Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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