I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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