Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
