I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Randomize
