Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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