Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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