I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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