According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
