i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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