thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
fuck your aforementioned shoe
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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