Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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