I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
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