where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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