I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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