if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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