you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
