this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
