I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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