I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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