a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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