happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
