life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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