I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I need water and some morals
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize