Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize
