So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Randomize
