Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
