I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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