Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
