thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
