He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
These tits shall not be calmed
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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