i wish there were pregnant emoticons
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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