I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize