it's too hot outside to masturbate.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize