I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
COCAINE IS GR8
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Randomize
