I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize