the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
