i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
she looked like the before picture.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
