well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
