I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
