I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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