turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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