i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
