I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
