Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize
