1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
