So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Found the puke drawer
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
