I think my fart just growled at me.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
