so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
A+ Viking dick
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